Come, play with me ★

Hey

It has been many years since I've posted any post in this blog and i decided to make a post today about all the ups and downs that i have been through.

At the age of 16, i fell in love with this girl during my part time job. Let's us call her bae. It has been three years and yet i still like her the most.

At the age of 17, i stopped myself from having all the suicidal thoughts and self harm. I decided to eat healthily again and in  fact i gained weight. Also, i opened up to my friends about my depression, suicidal past and my sexuality. Most people accept me while some do not accept this side of me and they want me to change. At this age, i was working hard to get a good GPA and i didn't care about anything else but my GPA. In the end, i realized that hard work is bullshit and the world is unfair.


At the age of 18, i got myself a tattoo and this is the year i broke my mom's heart. I am seriously a wild and rebel child. I hate myself. I learnt to smoke and i was really bad. I fell in love and fall out of love. This year was terrible because i cried alot way alot. I was so unhappy everyday that my suicidal thoughts came back and i was soooo depressed that i couldn't eat well. I had a part time and i kept working. I starved myself and i smoked heavily. This carries on for weeks until my body couldn't take it anymore. I was really really really sick till i lost a lot of vitamins and calcium in my body. Doctor even suspected that i have throat cancer and wanted me to go back for a check up but i didn't because i know it was due to smoking.  At this age, i fell in love with this girl and she was beautiful, so beautiful to me. However, she gave me a lot of painful memories and we are like strangers now. :(

At the age of 18 too, i fell in love with another girl and she made me the happiest person on earth. We were very in love and i thought she was the one. This girl, i would want to write a passage about her.
" I still remember the day when you decided not to be with me anymore, every part of me shattered. I guess I can only blame myself for that. You loved me, you were the reason after so long to why I look forward to waking up each day, the reason why I wanted to quit smoking and lead a better life. You were my motivation. You’ve no idea how glad I was to have you in my life that only happy thoughts came into my mind everyday. I thought to myself “ finally “ but I guess everything was really too good to be true. "

It was all my fault and i wish i could have done better. This goes on for a few months and i wasn't okay. I started having suicidal thoughts again and i started hurt myself again. I was so hurt by everything that i kept smoking during work. My body became weaker and my face became older. 

During this age, i met another girl again because i just wanted to forget the previous one. I thought in order to fix myself, all i needed to do was to find another one. I went searching countless girls and countless dates hope i could forget about her. None comparable to her. 


At the age of 19, i met someone new and i would say it will be only infatuation and i do not want to have any relationship without forgetting the bae. However, i met her yesterday and she told me she was getting married. Do you know that feeling? 但你喜欢的人在你面前说她喜欢谁，要结婚了。那种感觉是多么的痛苦的。我一直都没办法告诉她，我好难过。